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The National Anthem, Remixed
Gov. Brian Kemp of Georgia mangled “The Star-Spangled Banner” throughout a Fox News interview this week in what Jimmy Kimmel referred to as “a statement about freedom that was so eloquent, I immediately started embroidering it on a pillow.”
Kemp, who was on the community to debate vaccine passports, instructed the Fox News host Lawrence Jones, “It is America, the land of the home and freedom reigns.”
“Land of the home and freedom reigns! It’s as American as pie-ball and the mom and bars,” Stephen Colbert joked.
“I got to say, props to Fox host Lawrence Jones, who just rolled with it. That poise is going to come in handy as a rudderless G.O.P. descends into patriotic word salad. [Imitating a Republican] ‘Lawrence, this country was built by Abraham Freedom, no matter what Joe Bantifa’s laser babies say about cancel-culturing our eagle guns reigns.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“And patriots like Governor Kemp will not be constrained by the traditional, actual lyrics to ‘The Star-Spangled Banner.’ So as a tribute to him, I think, please put your hand over the organ of your choice, and join me in this Kemp-inspired rendition of our national home and freedom reign: ‘Oh, see can you say, by the Donner Partay, what so twilight we proud, at the gleaming PlayStation. Whose bra straps and big cars, drew the Perry Farrell o’er the streaming we watched, were so galloping ponies. And the Rockettes met Bears, Robert Durst is an heir, gave Froot Loops the right that our Fraggles still cared. Oh, see can you stop big Bruce Banner, Flavor Flav o’er the land of the home, and the freedom reigns. Ball Play!’” — STEPHEN COLBERT
‘Resting Thrown-Out Face’
Mike Lindell, the founder and C.E.O. of My Pillow, was refused entry to a gathering of the Republican Governors Association in Nashville this week. Seth Meyers stated Lindell had absolutely been thrown out of venues earlier than: “He’s got resting thrown-out face.”
“As a baby, his first words were, ‘But my friends are in there!’” — SETH MEYERS
“Bars, libraries, children’s birthday parties — I mean, really, any place where you have to keep your voice down is a no-go for him.” — SETH MEYERS
The Punchiest Punchlines (A Waste of Perfectly Good Popcorn Edition)
“At last night’s N.B.A. playoff game between the Wizards and the 76ers, a Philly fan literally added insult to injury by dumping popcorn on D.C.’s Russell Westbrook as he was leaving with a twisted ankle. That is shocking, and that guy’s an idiot — a tub of arena popcorn is like 19 bucks! That’s why real Phillies fans throw used batteries — it’s economical and you’re recycling.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“It felt like a mafia movie and Westbrook was being sent a message by one of Orville Redenbacher’s goons.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“But that’s Philadelphia. I mean, that’s what — they finally get to go to games again, immediately they’re dumping snacks on opposing players’ heads.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
The Bits Worth Watching
The actress Emily Blunt, a “Late Late Show” visitor, performed a spherical of “Can They Sing?” on Thursday night time.
Also, Check This Out
Swizz Beatz, left, with DMX in 2019. “I couldn’t sleep knowing that he wasn’t at his full potential,” Swizz Beatz stated.Credit…Johnny Nunez/WireImage Via Getty Images
The producer Swizz Beatz is ensuring DMX’s posthumous album correctly carries out the rapper’s legacy.